I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Don't EVER smell your tampon
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
