I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
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