Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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