I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
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