I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
