I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
