every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
