if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
