I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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