Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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