Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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