The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
