He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
