I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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