So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
