I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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