GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
