He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
why do cheetos always look like penises
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Randomize
