we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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