Midget sex pt 2 tonight
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
