Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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