I think I won the penis lottery.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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