Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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