What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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