Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
