So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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