someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
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