now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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