How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
