I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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