And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I need to calm my uterus...
Randomize
