you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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