I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
They took my balls.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
