I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
