The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
