these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Just pee around me
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
