so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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