I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
