if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize