I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
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