So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
