I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
