My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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