my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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