Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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