piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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