so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
