No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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