Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
