shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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