Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
