$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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