My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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