i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize
