I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i will never coherently bang her
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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