I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
there is glitter all over my balls
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