I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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